Mmkay I think we can all agree as women heels fucking suck. They’re one of those things you love because they make your legs look a mile long and they push your ass up and usually show off your pedicure, but they also pinch your toes and kill the balls of your feet and make you prone to, say, falling over while simply standing in the bathroom talking to one of your best friends (true story). For me, heels are the wackest because they force my usual gazelle-esque gait into one of a hobbled Anime character, complete with teeny steps and a Betty Boop-ish strut. While this is okay sometimes, it’s not okay ALL the time, and heels pretty much make me walk this way all the time. This has less to do with the fact the shoe isn’t flat and more to do with the fact shoe designers are idiots.

I know we all like to justify our expensive purchases with the adage “but expensive shit is just made so much better” but we’re bullshitting ourselves. I could go off on a tangent about this in general but I’ll stick to shoes to stay on topic: with the exception of my Camilla Skovgaard’s, my EXPENSIVE shoes (read: Chanel, YSL, Chloe, etc.) ALWAYS hurt the worst. They’re not any more comfortable than the shitty fake crap from China I’ve bought, which again shows us shoe designers are idiots.

You know those jelly inserts you can slip into your shoes to give your soles a break? 90% of the time I try to rock those, I can’t because the height of the insole forces my feet into the top of my shoe which is either uncomfortable or makes me look like I have the fattest feet in the world. Lose/lose. My feet are preternaturally babylike and gorgeous and I want to keep them that way, which is why the fact insoles eat so much dick makes me so sad. Why don’t shoemakers ADD some kind of comfortable shock absorbing material into the soles of their shoes?! WHY?!

Another thing about heels which pisses me off is their complete lack of an actual “sole”. I walked to the Metro the other day (about 3/4 of a mile) in 5 inch heels and realized the sole of my shoe was nothing more than 1 centimeter piece of hard rubber which did nothing for shock absorption, my balance, or my safety. Basically every time I stepped on a pebble, my shoe would lose balance because the sole was so rigid. This meant the entire walk I had to take baby steps to ensure I wouldn’t take a Big Girl step onto a pebble and eat shit in front of rush hour traffic. It also meant every time I stepped on a crack or uneven piece of pavement (read: every other step), I wobbled like a drunkard with stock in Gallo wine. The wobbling then caused me to yell “SHIT!” every couple of blocks as I kept feeling like I was going to eat shit at any moment. I’m not sure what’s worse: screaming SHIT! as you wobble, or actually just going down. Jury is out.

My point is, why don’t shoe designers add some fucking tread to their shoes? The fine images above are shoes by Camilla Skovgaard, a woman who KNOWS design. I have two pairs of her shoes and I’ll tell you: worth every penny. I’d throw all my other shoes in a pit if I could trade them in for Camilla’s work. One of the pairs I have of hers has this trademark tread, and I’ll tell you: shit is a BREEZE to traipse around in. Well, for a heel. The tread absorbs shock, balances you, and just generally looks bad ass. 

I’m not saying to throw this garish tread on every pair of heels, God knows I love myself a simple, flatish, stately heel like all the rest of us but BY GOD, designers, can’t you make it easier on a bitch? Like, insole me and maybe throw some rubber on the bottom of your shoes that doesn’t feel like an extra layer of cement under my feet? And don’t get me started on soles made of coated leather or other “mystery” substances. PLEASE ADD SOME TRACTION AND SHOCK ABSORPTION TO THE MIX! How’s a bitch supposed to get around looking fly if you make it impossible to walk around in your shoes!? Not all of us get chauffeured around, you know.  

All shoes above by the Queen of Heels herself, Camilla Skovgaard.